Since I lost Gianna, I am left searching for moments of her. I don’t have anything to hold onto except memories and the few things she used in the hospital. I believe that although her body was laid to rest her soul lives on, and she can make herself present and intervene in our lives.
Since her death, my life has been a desperate search for her. A desperate grasp in the dark to feel her again. The emptiness I feel in my heavy arms will not be filled in this life, I know: not until we meet again in eternity will my longing be satiated. My journey in this life is learning to live with this gaping emptiness in my heart, soul, and arms.
Honestly, I don’t feel her presence much. I think my pain and trauma from losing her is still too raw right now. Perhaps in the future, when my trauma is somewhat healed and I am more attentive to my soul, I will perceive her more. I know that requires a stillness of heart that I do not have right now. Nevertheless, I know she reveals herself to me in little ways every now and then.
Last night I was sitting on our patio with my husband, just staring up into the sky. Every time I look up into the stars, I get teary-eyed. I feel so close to the other world when I gaze into the night sky, and so close to her. I know she is out there somewhere, I just wish I knew where. As we were gazing towards the sky, I was thinking of how much I miss her and how I wish I felt her more. In that exact moment, Dave and I saw the biggest shooting star I have ever seen. I know that was a message from her to me. This is not the first time I have seen a shooting star while missing her. [Read more…]