As the month of April approached this year, I found myself getting so tired and frequently getting sick. I never get sick. I didn’t understand what was happening. Why was I such a mess? I was eating well, exercising; doing everything I could to stay healthy. Yet I was still exhausted and my immune system showed it.
As I gave myself some quiet time to reflect and slow down, I realized how deeply sad I was again. I realized how grief was creeping up on me again as ‘her month’ approached. I mean, I always feel sad but not to the point that it wears me down physically. I remembered how tired and sick I felt in the months after Gianna died and I felt the exact same way right now. But now it was three years later! WHY was I still grieving so intensely after three years? WHY was my daughter’s death still so difficult for me to manage? I was definitely surprised to see myself this way; I never imagined grief would have such a strong hold three years later.
I sometimes wonder if people think, “It’s been three years, why hasn’t she gotten over it yet??” Frankly, I wondered that myself. Seeing myself so affected by grief, especially in a physical way, surprised me. It’s unbelievable the amount of energy grief consumes, and how much time it takes. But I definitely never envisioned it being this challenging as the years progressed. [Read more…]