I remember my mom used to sing that sweet song “You are my sunshine” to my siblings and me all the time. I loved hearing her voice, expressing how much she loved me through the lyrics. If I close my eyes, I can still hear her. That memory will be engrained in my heart and mind forever. Those lyrics took on whole new meaning for me when I realized I was pregnant six months after losing Gianna. “Please don’t take my sunshine away” was my constant prayer and plea.
When I thought I might be pregnant with Lucas, I took the pregnancy test early one morning with trembling hands. I never prayed harder than I did in those two minutes it took for those little lines to appear. My mind was flooded with a million thoughts as I waited. In the stillness of the morning, all I could hear was the sound of my heart pounding within me, powered by adrenaline, excitement, and a deep, deep fear. I deeply desired to know I could get pregnant again; I was desperate to know that my future contained a child, at least one. “Please, just give me one child alive in my arms,” was my desperate prayer. I didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. I didn’t care what it looked like. I didn’t care if it was healthy or not. Alive in my arms was my only requirement. Particularities go out the window after you bury a child. Once it was revealed I was pregnant, of course I was ecstatic. It was the answer to a million hopes, dreams, and prayers. But then, without delay, the inundation of fears, worries, and terrifying thoughts took over my mind and heart. Tears of worry and panic started to stream down my face. I so desperately wanted the spark of joy I felt to overpower the fear. I wanted joy to pin down all my anxieties and declare victory! But in that moment, it was unfortunately losing the fight. [Read more…]